Posts By Pittsburgh Family Law Services, P.C.

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Paying child support in Pennsylvania: a survival guide

November 4, 2013 · by Pittsburgh Family Law Services, P.C.

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You have been ordered to pay support for your spouse and/or for your children. Despite your willingness to make the best of a difficult situation, the “one size fits all” Domestic Relations system can still trip you up. The devil is always in the details where support orders are concerned, and losing track can cause you grief down the line. The suggestions below should help you stay out of trouble and protect your rights.

READ YOUR ORDER. You are bound to its terms, even the “boilerplate.” Know your obligations as well as your rights. Violating your order can get you into serious – and expensive – trouble. Remember that the best way to get out of trouble is not to get into it in the first place, and forewarned is definitely forearmed.

WHEN YOUR INCOME CHANGES SUBSTANTIALLY, your Order requires you to report the change to the court and to the person receiving the support money, in writing. This includes substantial increases and decreases of income and change (or loss) of employment. Even though reporting a raise might end up with you being dragged back to Court for a possible increase in support, your silence assumes the risk that it could come back to haunt you later. When you change jobs, be sure to provide the court with your new employer’s name and address as soon as possible, and remember that the ultimate obligation to pay support is yours, and not your employer’s. All communications to the court should include your ten-digit Member Number (which the court will assign), your docket number and nine-digit PACSES number. Keep track of all communications with the court (including the date of your communication), and keep copies of anything you send. When you send something to the Court, you should also send it to the person receiving the support or his/her attorney.

CONTACT YOUR ATTORNEY PROMPTLY if you lose your job, take a substantial pay cut, if anything else happens that might interfere with your ability to pay, or if you are notified that a hearing has been scheduled in your case. If you are considering leaving your job for one with lower pay, discuss this with your attorney before resigning. Letting time pass without taking action can get you into trouble if you fail to pay as ordered, and will postpone any favorable changes to which you might be entitled. Usually, changes to support orders only date back to when you filed your request for modification. Talk to your family law attorney before requesting modification, because those requests can sometimes backfire on you. Remember that reporting a reduced income to the court is not the same thing as asking for a modification to your support order!

DON’T WAIT FOR THE WAGE ATTACHMENT before you start paying. Your payroll department can take up to a month or more to process the wage attachment order, and meanwhile you are on the hook. After all, you are the one who will be in trouble if you become delinquent in your obligation. There will be a new line-item deduction on your paycheck when the wage attachment takes effect; meanwhile, for each paycheck that does not deduct your support payment, you should send a check for a pro-rated amount to the court (your family law attorney can provide you with a payment coupon if the court did not). If you are paid every two weeks, multiply your monthly support obligation by 12 and divide by 26 to learn how much to send from each pay. If possible, avoid paying by money order; all your receipt can prove is that a money order existed, and not who cashed it.

OBEY THE ORDER. The court will enforce its own orders. Even if you are appealing the order or waiting for a hearing for the court to consider modifying your order downward, you remain obligated to obey each order unless and until it is changed. If you fall too far behind in your support obligation, automatic enforcement procedures start to kick in that can include contempt proceedings, suspension of driver’s license and professional license, increased payment against arrears, negative credit agency reports, and tax refund interception.

WHEN YOUR CHILD EMANCIPATES, your obligation to support that child ends. A child usually emancipates when he or she turns eighteen years of age, and no longer attends High School. Exceptions can be made for adult children who have never been emancipated, and are incapable of self-support due to extreme physical or psychiatric handicaps. The burden is on you to request support termination in a timely fashion, since the termination usually cannot be effective before you file your claim.

NEVER MISS A HEARING. Failure to attend a scheduled hearing can result in the court proceeding without you (and you will be stuck with the result!), and it can even issue a “body attachment” warrant for your arrest. You will usually be notified of hearings only by a single letter sent by first class mail; if that mail is not returned by the Post Office as undeliverable, the court will assume that you received it and have been notified, whether you actually know about the hearing, or not. If the court sends you mail, always open and read it right away! You can ask the court for postponement of a hearing if you are unavailable, but always through Motions Court, and always in advance; the responsibility is on you to take care of this properly, and in a timely fashion. Assume that no excuse is good enough to get you out from under the penalties from a missed hearing, except the most extreme emergency… and even then, it will be your responsibility to be proactive.

IMMEDIATELY REPORT CHANGES OF ADDRESS TO THE COURT and the other side. This is your responsibility and no one else’s, and it is in your interest to ensure that the court knows where to send notices to you. Make sure that your family law attorney also knows your change of address, even if he no longer represents you, unless he officially withdrew. Sometimes, attorneys are served with court notices instead of you, and your attorney needs to know where to forward the notice.

NEVER COMPLETELY TRUST THE WORD OF COURT PERSONNEL OR YOUR “EX” without something in writing to back it up. When dealing with the court, different people will sometimes tell you different things, especially if you are on the telephone; you will probably never know exactly who you are dealing with, how much he or she actually knows, how much authority the person actually has, or whether the person will follow through. Support payees have been known to “forget” about direct payments or promises, especially when there is no paper trail for proof. “The clerk told me it was okay if…” will never get you out of trouble, nor will “My ex told me it was okay if I got behind in my support for a while, as long as I catch up later.” Play it safe, and consult your family law attorney.

DO NOT PAY YOUR “EX” DIRECTLY, once the Order is issued. Without a “Notice to Credit Direct Payment” form filed promptly with your local collection office, you only get credit for payments made through the Pennsylvania State Collection and Disbursement Unit (PA SCDU) in Harrisburg. Play it safe and pay only through SCDU, or you risk having to pay the same debt twice.

IF YOUR EMPLOYMENT IS SEASONAL OR YOUR OVERTIME FLUCTUATES, this should have been taken into account when your support order was issued. The fact that your income drops during portions of the year does not usually reduce your support obligation during those times. Be sure to set aside some money during the good months to pay directly to the Court during your off season, to ensure that you do not fall behind in your support obligation. Your duty to pay continues whether or not you are bringing in enough money during a given month; preparing in advance can turn what could have been a personal disaster into a mere inconvenience. If you are not sure how much to send, talk to your family law attorney.

KEEP GOOD FINANCIAL RECORDS. This includes tax records and pay stubs, as well as any and all other sources of income (unemployment compensation, “side jobs,” etc.). The more organized you are, the more effectively your family law attorney can advise you and represent your interests.

THERE IS NO ACCOUNTABILITY FOR HOW THE SUPPORT MONEY IS SPENT by the recipient. You have no right to demand receipts, or to insist that it be spent in particular ways. It just goes into the recipient’s household income.

YOU MUST MAKE YOUR SUPPORT PAYMENTS EVEN IF YOU DO NOT OR CANNOT SEE YOUR CHILDREN. Custody rights and support rights are usually not connected. If you try to withhold support because you are being prevented from seeing your children, the court will see it as if you were punishing the children for the other parent’s actions. For that reason, refusal to pay child support can harm your custody case. If you are being denied access to your children, discuss the matter with your family law attorney promptly, because delay is another thing that can harm your custody case.

WHEN IN DOUBT, FIND OUT! Was your most recent payment received? Are you behind in your support? How much do you still owe on your arrears? These and other questions can be answered by contacting the Pennsylvania Statewide Collection and Disbursement Unit (PA SCDU) at 1-877-727-7238, or on the web at www.childsupport.state.pa.us.

SOME OF THE SUPPORT YOU PAY MAY BE TAX-DEDUCTIBLE. Child support is not deductible from your Federal taxable income, but spousal support (and alimony) usually is. Many support awards for spouse and children are unallocated, meaning that they do not separately identify one part for your spouse, and another for your children; payments on unallocated awards are usually completely deductible from your Federal taxable income; consult your family law attorney and/or a tax professional to be sure. Be sure to keep your own records for tax purposes, since (unlike your employer) the court will not supply you with a year-end summary statement. You can get a printout of how much support you have paid during a particular year either from your local court, or from the web at www.childsupport.state.pa.us.

IF YOUR CHILD IS NOT LIVING WITH THE OTHER PARENT to whom you are paying support, you should promptly ask the court to terminate the support award, since any delay will delay termination of the award. Worse, if your child is or was in County placement and you do not terminate the support award to the other parent, you could find yourself paying support twice for the same time period! The County will sue you for support to recover a portion of its costs during the period of County placement, even if your child is no longer in custody at the time you are notified of the suit (which can happen even years afterward). It is sometimes possible to win against the County’s support claim based on their delay in proceeding, and/or an inability to pay.

If you need legal assistance with your divorce or family law matter in Southwestern Pennsylvania, call my office to set up a personal consultation with an experienced Pittsburgh child support lawyer, and to learn more about Pennsylvania child custody laws and how they affect you. Please do not comment anonymously, and do not post anything that you consider confidential. We try to be responsive to commentary and questions, but know that posting here will not create an attorney/client relationship and that we will not offer legal advice via the Internet.

What to expect from your family law attorney

November 4, 2013 · by Pittsburgh Family Law Services, P.C.

Affordable Family Law Representation in the Allegheny County Area
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How do I get started with a family lawyer?
A lawyer might talk to you briefly over the telephone to introduce himself and get a sense of what kind of service you need, and may offer to schedule an initial paid consultation in his office. Be sure to ask the lawyer whether there is a fixed fee for the meeting, so you will know beforehand what you are getting into.

Don’t hesitate to call more than one divorce lawyer before you set up a meeting, since this is your opportunity to learn how different family law offices might handle your calls in days to come. Any law office worth retaining will handle your call professionally and courteously.

The first meeting with a lawyer is your chance to get important information about his family law practice and about your own legal situation, and to decide whether this lawyer is the one who can do the job for you. Lawyers are just like anyone else; some are easier to get along with than others, and some have better skills and experience. As in any new relationship, “gut feeling” can be very important. As you discuss your situation and listen to how the lawyer responds to your concerns, think about the person sitting across from you. Does he try to put you at ease in his office? Does he listen to what you have to say? Does he seem to understand what you are dealing with? Does his advice make sense? If he cannot answer a question, will he explain why? Is this someone you feel you can trust during this difficult period of your life?

Although one meeting can’t give you every answer to every question, by the time it is over you should have a good understanding of where you stand, what your choices are, what might happen next, and how you can protect yourself.

What should I expect from my family lawyer?
INFORMATION. Your lawyer should give you the information you need to understand your options. A good lawyer can give you the benefit of many people’s experiences, pointing out strengths and pitfalls, and making suggestions that might help you get what you need without having to fight. He will listen carefully to your concerns, and offer meaningful perspectives.

DILIGENCE. Your lawyer will stay on top of your case, meet deadlines, and always will be prepared when he appears in court. He will prepare you for your role in the case, and will make the most of every opportunity.

COMMUNICATION. Your telephone calls will be returned with reasonable promptness, and your lawyer will keep you informed of important developments in your case. He will offer you clear answers to your questions, in plain English.

COURTESY AND RESPECT. A good lawyer will treat you as a valued client, and will conduct himself professionally toward everyone connected with your case. Lawyers who sacrifice standards of decency in the name of zealous representation can actually make things worse for their own clients by creating unnecessary fights. That might be good for the lawyer who charges by the hour, but not necessarily for the one who is paying the bill.

CANDOR. A lawyer who doesn’t “give it to you straight” isn’t doing you much good. If you don’t know the true picture of your situation as your lawyer sees it, you can’t take it into account when you make decisions. A good lawyer may not always have good news for you, but you will always know what he thinks about your situation.

CONFIDENTIALITY. You can feel comfortable speaking to your lawyer freely, although you should never expect him to help you hide assets or permit perjury.

What shouldn’t I expect from my family lawyer?
All licensed Pennsylvania lawyers are required to conform to a professional code of ethics that is enforced by the Disciplinary Board of the Pennsylvania Supreme Court. A good lawyer values a solid reputation for ethical conduct among colleagues and judges, and that reputation is an asset to his clients. A lawyer’s reputation is only ever as good as the faith he keeps today. When you retain a lawyer, don’t expect a “mouthpiece,” television-style courtroom drama, or a “whatever I can get away with” attitude. A good lawyer’s effectiveness lies in the good advice he offers and his skillful handling of your case, not in undirected aggression and expensive bluster. Other things not to expect a good lawyer to do:

• Hide your income and assets.
• Lie to his opponent or to the court, or permit you to do so.
• Tolerate disrespectful conduct, or turn a blind eye toward it.
• Escalate or manufacture a fight where none need occur.
• Make important case decisions without discussing them with you in advance.
• Create or escalate a fight for its own sake.
• Indulge in name-calling contests with the other side at your expense.
• Extend credit to you in lieu of prompt payment.

Perhaps most important of all, never expect your lawyer to take sole responsibility for your case like the mechanic who keeps your car on the road. You are an essential part of the litigation process. You are facing some of the most important life choices you may ever have to make, both for you and for your children; never surrender them to someone else.

What will my lawyer expect from me?
CANDOR. There is no such thing as a perfect case, and no one leads a perfect life. If your lawyer doesn’t know about the skeletons in your closet, he won’t be prepared when your spouse throws the door wide open to put them on display! It is always better for your lawyer to find out about the challenges he will face from you in his office, rather than from your spouse in a courtroom.

FOLLOW HIS ADVICE. Your lawyer offers you the benefit of his education and experience, an outside perspective, a cool head and the experiences of other people who faced what you are going through. He knows that it is never enough to be right or to deserve justice, and that there are some forms of vindication that no judge can ever deliver. He knows what judges want to see (and don’t want to see!), and how they are likely to view what you say and do. While he can never guarantee you favorable results, he can suggest approaches that might help guide you around the pitfalls that are common to family law cases, and help you to make the most of the strong points of your case.

RESPECT, COURTESY AND COMMON SENSE. At a time in your life when you might be least able to maintain a cool head, it is all the more important that you do so. Even spouses who never wanted to fight can find themselves in foxholes because of a moment’s passionate anger. You can’t control your spouse’s actions, but you can – and must – keep control over yourself and your conduct. If you act like you are being recorded every time you deal with your spouse, and are prepared to answer for every decision you make, you will never have to fear the truth. Your lawyer can be your sword-and-shield, or he can be your broom-and-dustpan; your conduct can make all the difference.

PAY ATTENTION, AND STAY IN TOUCH. Stay involved in your case, and be your lawyer’s active partner. Open, read and (if necessary) respond promptly to what he sends you. Return his phone calls. Keep him up to date on developments that may affect your case.

GIVE HIM WHAT HE ASKS FOR. As your case moves forward, your lawyer will probably ask you for a variety of information and documents, or you may have to provide them to your spouse as part of the litigation process. Be diligent in responding to these requests, and discuss any concerns or questions as early as possible.

FOLLOW COURT ORDERS. Unless your lawyer tells you differently, always follow court orders. Failure to do so can result in penalties that range from frustrating to crippling, depending on the nature of the violation.

Who will be working on my case?
When you retain a family lawyer, you are also retaining the entire law office. Law firms often distribute their caseloads in-house. Senior lawyers often assign case work, or even whole cases, to associates. Some family law firms adopt a “team” approach to their caseloads, coordinating their efforts to ensure that work is handled efficiently. Routine tasks such as research and document preparation are often assigned to associates or support staff members. This is normal, and when properly managed it allows a law firm to streamline its function by assigning tasks to the most qualified and/or lowest-cost person capable of handling the job properly. Also, lawyers often share each others’ workloads when one of them becomes overloaded, unavailable, or double-booked. The bottom line for you is that you are entitled to competent and informed representation. You are entitled to be kept informed about the progress of your case. If you become concerned at any time about how your case is being handled, you are entitled to an explanation.

How much is this going to cost me?
Sadly, there is no meaningful way to answer this very reasonable question unless the services you need have a fixed fee. Every case is unique, and the cost of legal services usually depends upon how much time the lawyer has to spend working for you. Lawyers usually break down time spent working on your case into tenths of an hour. For some family law services, minimum fees will apply. Like any other investment, legal services are most cost-effective when they offer a reasonable prospect of a good return, or when they are your best opportunity to prevent even greater damage. A good lawyer will take the cost of his own professional services into account when advising you about possible courses of action.

Lawyers usually work on retainer: you will make an advance payment to your lawyer to create a fund that he will draw against to pay himself as he earns the money. You will have to replenish this fund if it becomes too depleted, according to the terms of your written fee agreement. Do not expect your lawyer to work for you on credit. Unless your fee agreement says otherwise – and read it carefully! – retainers are usually refundable to the extent that they have not been earned by services rendered and expenses incurred.

There are some things you can do to keep your legal costs down, and to get the most “bang” for your legal buck:

• Take notes when you talk to your lawyer, so that you can avoid asking the same questions more than once.
• Keep your communications with your lawyer direct and to the point, without the false economy of cutting things so short that you prevent him from getting the information he needs, or from giving you the advice that you need.
• Whenever possible, communicate directly with your spouse rather than turning the job over to your lawyer. Sometimes, sadly, that simply is not possible.
• Become a clerk on your own case: promptly gather and organize any necessary information or records that your lawyer needs, and discuss with him what other “legwork” you might be able to do to keep your costs down.
• Call your lawyer to address potential problems before they happen, because it is usually cheaper to stay out of trouble, than to get out of trouble. Don’t just look before you leap, discuss before you leap. Making sure that you have the information to keep yourself safe and protected is part of your lawyer’s job.
• Be responsible and reasonable in your day-to-day dealings with your spouse, and avoid letting negative emotions make your choices for you. Why put bullets in a gun that is already aimed at you?
• Consider alternate forms of dispute resolution, such as mediation or co-parental counseling. Your lawyer might be able to offer you suggestions and resources.
• Give some thought to which battles are worth fighting, and what you might be willing to give up in exchange for closure and peace of mind. Your lawyer can discuss this with you, and offer both suggestions and useful perspectives.

If you need legal assistance with your divorce or family law matter in Southwestern Pennsylvania, call my office to set up a personal consultation with an experienced divorce and child custody lawyer, and to learn more about contested or uncontested divorce in Pennsylvania and how it affects you. Please do not comment anonymously, and do not post anything that you consider confidential. We try to be responsive to commentary and questions, but know that posting here will not create an attorney/client relationship and that we will not offer legal advice via the Internet.

Dealing with separation

November 4, 2013 · by Pittsburgh Family Law Services, P.C.

Experienced Separation Lawyer in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
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“Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.” — Hippocrates

Whether you are still in the same house together, negotiating a possible settlement, avoiding friction for the sake of your children, or simply trying to keep your blood pressure down while your case works its way forward through the court, your own perspective and conduct can make a big difference to your strategic situation and your quality of life. The suggestions below might be useful to help you to avoid making a bad situation worse, or – better still – to turn your experience into a source of personal strength and growth. You will get through this, one way or another; what you do, and how you deal with your spouse, will go a long way toward determining how you get through it.

A divorce lawyer faces divorce.
I used to tell clients that I was something of a paradox: a happily married divorce lawyer. Like the doctor who never imagines becoming ill, I thought I was different, that my own marriage was better-grounded than those of the people who came to me for my professional help. Surprise! I knew that my wife and I had grown apart over the years, but I always held tight to the idea that we could somehow grow together again. She felt differently, and told me one day that she wanted to move forward in her life without me. I wanted to work on repairing our relationship, and she agreed to take time to examine her own feelings and to explore whether things could be made better between us. Hope swelled and crashed, swelled and crashed some more, and finally the axe fell: she wanted to move out.

I believe in good marriage, and I believe in working to make marriage good; but when those become impossible, I decided to try for “good divorce.” Having to follow the advice I give to others taught me just how hard that can be. I am now stronger and happier for having managed it, though, and what I learned from the experience is what I offer to you here.

This is happening.
Denial will get you nowhere that you want to go. You might be facing cruelty or – worse in its own way – apathy. The person you have loved and trusted most in the world has become a stranger to you. Accept the truth that whether you deserve it or not, whether it should be happening or not, this is your new reality.

The rules are different.
It is important to accept that the casual interaction and intimacy of a functioning marriage is done. Some of the habits may linger for a time on both sides like echoes, but you can safely assume that this is only temporary. Even if you didn’t want this, even if your view of your spouse has not changed, even if you remain very much in love, you cannot control the reality that your spouse’s view has changed. That does not automatically lead to hatred and war – hopefully not! – but it does mean that you can no longer afford to take anything for granted. It only takes one person wanting “out” to end a marriage, and whether it is for good reason, bad reason or no reason at all, the reality of it is what you now face. If your spouse is the one initiating the separation, being locked into thoughts of your own ruined expectations, sense of betrayal and unfulfilled needs can only make things worse. If you are the one initiating the separation, be honest with yourself about what your spouse must now face, and accept the negative consequences of your choice as well as the positive ones. If there are children involved, it is important to recognize that your relationship is changing and not ending, and that your reactions and choices will have a significant role in deciding what kind of relationship it will become.

What about reconciliation?
Sometimes, the prospect of separation is the wake-up call that can redirect a marriage toward strength and restored intimacy. But… don’t depend on this. Although even the best of marriages have “speed bumps,” sometimes things just aren’t right and your spouse already has moved on, emotionally. By the time things have become difficult enough for one spouse to consider seriously the prospect of separation or divorce, a lot of water has flowed over the dam. Any prospect of restoring your marriage must be based on mutual willingness and effort, and an open-hearted acknowledgment of the problems put the two of you where you are. If you seek to restore your marriage, you would do well to revisit first principles: that successful marital relationships are best when based not on fear, loneliness or guilt, but on earned trust, mutual respect and commitment to shared goals. You would also do well to accept the prospect of failure, and to give some thought to how you will proceed if things do not go as you might hope. Things will never be the same again, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t be better, with or without your spouse.

Your fault, my fault… our fault.
William Shakespeare wrote, “what’s past is prologue.” How you got into the quicksand matters less than how you will get out of it, and pointing a finger will solve nothing. Don’t expect to successfully convince your spouse that you are right and he or she is wrong, especially if it is true. Sometimes people wake up to what they are doing and mend their ways or apologize, but more often they tell themselves stories they can hide inside, about why what they did was not merely right, but necessary and righteous; the more extreme their conduct, the more defensive they become and the angrier they get when forced to face the truth. Even if your spouse does feel guilty over the end of your marriage, don’t presume too heavily on that; guilt often turns into resentment, and then into anger if you push too hard.

Work your way toward healing.
Anger and loneliness are mind-altering drugs, and being “under the influence” can lead you into some very destructive situations. The more you are able to heal and strengthen yourself, the easier it will be to deal with your spouse. There are ways to find much of the emotional support you need to help you move forward, that we ordinarily expect from a romantic relationship. Participating in a community organization is one such alternate path; whether it is through a house of worship, a hobby group, a theater company, a fraternal organization, or such like; no matter what form it takes, it gives you the opportunity to become part of something larger than yourself, a community brought together by common constructive purpose. Consider reconnecting with old friends and aspects of your life that you might have left by the wayside during your marriage. Physical activities, especially group activities such as sports and cooperative exercise programs, can be beneficial. Give some thought to how your food choices might reflect or reinforce your different moods. Consider personal psychological counseling or participating in a support group, which can give you the benefit of other people’s experiences as they struggled through difficult times very similar to yours. Take a moment to think about the people you know who have been through divorce, and give some thought to their approach to life, and to the kind of lives they lead. Whatever you choose, whatever you do, the important thing is to act affirmatively to reclaim your own life in a meaningful way, so that the dissolution of your marital relationship ultimately becomes a source of strength. That may seem out of reach right now, but keep reminding yourself that although healing can take time, you will get through this.

Watch how you speak and act.
It is never enough to speak the truth, if the truth is not heard. There are too many situations in which distrustful spouses are prepared to see only the worst, no matter how hard you try or how good are your intentions or how correct you might be. Give some thought to how your spouse looks at the situation, and at you, and how your spouse is likely to hear what you say, and see what you do. Your emphatic gesture can become a cocked fist in your spouse’s eyes; your expression of anger and frustration can become a threat. Tread lightly; you can be as firm as you need to be to protect yourself and your children, and still remain courteous and respectful. If your spouse is willing to speak reasonably, be sure that you are not the one who gives in to anger and starts the fight. Act at all times like you will have to answer for everything you say and do before a judge who doesn’t know you and your spouse from Adam and Eve, and who sees things based on how they appear (or can be spun), rather than how they were intended.

Beware of the “cheerleaders.”
Your family and friends – and maybe a new romantic partner – want to support you in your difficult time, and often will be happy to pile on the insults about your spouse to show you that they are firmly in your corner. Many people you talk to will turn into lawyers and start telling you horror stories of what might happen if you do not put pedal to the metal and set all your guns to blazing. Bless them for backing you, but don’t let their unquestioning support blind you to the consequences of fighting for its own sake, out of spite or a desire for revenge. Don’t let them “go maverick” and confront your spouse. Your spouse might very well have the same sort of cheering squad, but ultimately this is about the two of you and your children; never surrender your own judgment of what should happen, in favor of becoming an avatar for those who are spoiling to see the two of you fight. Avoid escalation.

Thicken your skin a little bit.
A passing stranger could heap you with abuse, only to see you shrug it off with a smirk and a casually extended middle finger. Your spouse, though, can give you that look – and I may not know what “that look” is, but I’ll bet that you do! – and there you are, ready to chew coal and spit diamonds. If your spouse is spoiling for a fight, letting your buttons get pushed is like putting bullets in a gun that is already aimed at you. It is better to back off and take some verbal abuse as you withdraw, than to get “sucked in” when a fight is in the making by someone who wants to gain power at your expense. Don’t let yourself get set up into crossing a line. Letting your negative emotions do the talking for you, however tempting, can get you into tremendous trouble, as well as reinforcing your spouse’s negative opinion of you. You can’t control your spouse’s conduct, but you must control your own, particularly if there are children involved and the question of who is better capable of exercising responsibility and personal restraint is at issue. Don’t drift toward healing. Roll up your sleeves, put your oars in the water, and pull.

If you need legal assistance with your divorce or family law matter in Southwestern Pennsylvania, call our office to set up a personal consultation with an Allegheny County divorce attorney and to learn more about Pennsylvania divorce law and how it affects you. Please do not comment anonymously, and do not post anything that you consider confidential. We try to be responsive to commentary and questions, but know that posting here will not create an attorney/client relationship and that we will not offer legal advice via the Internet.

How to survive separation from your spouse

November 4, 2013 · by Pittsburgh Family Law Services, P.C.

Experienced Pittsburgh Separation Attorney
CALL 412-371-4500 FOR YOUR FREE CONSULTATION
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The day he moved out was terrible –
That evening she went through hell.
His absence wasn’t a problem
But the corkscrew had gone as well.
— Wendy Cope

“I’m going through separation in Pennsylvania… what do I do?”

Divorce attorney Pittsburgh Michael B. Greenstein Separation can be a time of confusion, anguish, distrust and resentment, and the very best of intentions are sometimes not enough to prevent both you and your spouse from being pulled into fighting that neither of you ever wanted. You never imagined that things would come to this, and you’ve heard plenty of horror stories about what happens when marriages end. Whatever the circumstances of your marriage or what brought you to this moment, here are some suggestions that might help you keep yourself together while you prepare for divorce or whatever comes next.

Accept the reality: you and your spouse are separating.
You can’t afford denial right now. If you want to work things out with your spouse, and if marital reconciliation is possible, that is a blessing indeed… but meanwhile you cannot afford to turn your face from the realities of your situation. Who might be right and who might be wrong matters much less right now, than where you go from here and how you get there. Let me assure you from personal as well as professional experience: it may not feel like it right now, but you will get through this. Meanwhile, be sure that you take care of yourself, and let your friends be there for you. You might be amazed by just how much emotional support your friends can offer you during this painful transition.

Discuss your goals and needs with your spouse.
While this is not always possible, the more problems you can solve over the kitchen table, the cheaper and easier your divorce will probably be. Fights often start where the trust and the communication end, simply because there is too much at stake to let things “slide.” The court is always there as a safety net to resolve the disputes that the two of you cannot, but reaching your own agreements can save you tremendous amounts of money and anguish. Especially if you have children together, accept the emotional risk of sitting down together and try to look beyond the problems that brought you to this point. If you can manage to put aside the reality of who might be at fault for the end of your marriage, you have better hope of working together to clear the way forward for each of you. If you can’t discuss important issues without falling into argument, consider alternative forms of dispute resolution such as mediation; sometimes, adding a skilled “referee” to your discussions – be it a professional mediator, a member of the clergy, or a mutually-trusted friend – can bring order and structure to your discussions in a way that the two of you alone might not be able to achieve.

Avoid making things worse.
Especially while the two of you remain under the same roof, guard against letting negative emotions make your decisions for you, no matter how justified they might be and no matter how much your spouse might be provoking you. No matter how strong the temptation, you cannot afford spite; and the odds are that it will come back to haunt you sooner than you think. Getting through your difficult situation with everything you need to be able to regain personal and financial stability is far more important than “setting the record straight” about who caused the trouble in the first place. You will help yourself stay out of trouble if you make sure that you act instead of reacting, (except for violent situations, which is another matter entirely). Give some thought to how your own words and actions might worsen your already-bad situation, and learn to recognize the warning signs of an escalating conflict. If necessary, learn to back off and give yourself space to cool down, especially when you feel that you are being provoked. If it is important to your spouse that he or she be “right” all the time, nothing you can do or say is ever going to change that. If your spouse is being confrontational and you let that set you off, you are now playing your spouse’s game… and rule number one of that game is that you lose. Watch your words and gestures, and make sure that nothing you say or do can be interpreted as being violent or physically threatening. In the end, what actually happens is less important than what a judge decides happened, so try to recognize the times when the cleverest thing you can say or do is nothing at all.

Be careful about what you record or put into writing.
Anything you put down on paper, on a recorder or into email can become evidence. The same goes for social media, and never imagine that anything you post online is private, even if your privacy settings say otherwise. Stay sensible and civil, and resist the temptation to write down insults and self-justifications. Keep your written communications polite, simple, and to the point. Write nothing you would not willingly answer for to in front of a judge who doesn’t know you and your spouse from Adam and Eve, but who is ready to see you as the source of the problem if you get careless.

Work for sunshine, but always carry an umbrella.
The seat belt, the spare tire, and the umbrella in the glove compartment are there because they are good to have handy when something goes wrong while you are trying to get ahead. Even a worst-case scenario doesn’t have to be a disaster, though, if you take the time and effort to do some advance planning. Part of your lawyer’s job is to consider what can go wrong, so that you can decide for yourself what protections you want to arrange. That leads to…

Meet with a Pennsylvania divorce lawyer.
The sooner you learn what you are in for when you separate, what your options are and how a divorce court might handle your situation, the more choices you have and the better your chances of protecting yourself. Now is a very good time to start getting advice from someone who is very familiar with what you are dealing with, and who can help you avoid trouble before it happens. Lawyers are not automatically “warmongers,” and can often suggest approaches that will help you avoid the need to fight. People hire lawyers for the same reason that they hire plumbers and roofers: because each of them works every day at something you never wanted to have to deal with in the first place. Yes, lawyers are expensive, but so is false economy. When you are called upon to make short-term decisions that carry long-term consequences, an ounce of prevention really can be worth a pound of cure.

Gather and secure financial records.
Now is the time to gather records of all kinds: property, debt (including credit cards), income (yours and your spouse’s), taxes, insurance, investments, retirement savings plans and pensions, bank statements, etc. Stop throwing away old pay stubs, bank statements, bills, etc. If it has to do with money and the marriage – no matter which of you owns the asset or owes the debt – gather it, organize it and secure it, with particular attention to balances and values as of the date of your marriage (if applicable), and of your final separation. Maintain these records, or copies of them, in a protected location. It is better to have too many records, than too little.

Secure your personal property.
What can’t you afford to do without? This is particularly true for jewelry and other small, valuable items, and for items of purely sentimental value that can be easily hidden, held hostage or destroyed. The contents of jewelry boxes often “disappear” when spouses separate, and what actually happened to them can quickly become lost in pointless “he said/she said.”

Secure your financial resources.
Might your spouse empty your bank accounts and run off with the money? Is there cash around the house? Are you financially dependent on your spouse? During separations and divorces, things sometimes can get harder before they get easier. Securing as much financial stability for yourself as possible is a good idea. If you might need to rely on friends and family members for your support for a while, consider talking with them to find out what is available to you, and how quickly. If you are economically dependent on your spouse, prepare yourself for several “dry” months with only your own resources to help you get by, if you can.

Consider closing joint credit lines.
Joint credit lines, or credit lines of one spouse for which the other is an authorized user, are invitations to get each other further into debt. Avoid that if possible, by shutting down joint credit lines and revoking authorization for your spouse to use your credit cards. You might want to get a copy of your credit report to ensure that you did not miss anything, and to make sure that no new credit has been taken out in your name and without your knowledge.

If you are leaving, decide what property you need.
Cleaning out a home to the bare walls is harsh medicine if there is a reasonable alternative, but you should consider that whatever you might need that you do not take with you is something you may have to buy again. Might your spouse be considering this, too? Right now, either of you has the power to take property from where both of you have access, to where only one of you can go. Courts prefer to avoid distributing “pots and pans,” so it is always safest to assume that if you leave something behind when you move out, you will never see it again. Do not expect a court to assign more than “tag sale” value to the collective contents of the average home.

Talk about the children.
If children are involved, realize that your relationship with your spouse never ends; it only changes. It is painfully easy for children to get caught up in the issues between their parents, and to the extent that you can protect them from the consequences of your separation, the better off they will be. Children deserve parents who can respect and support their relationship with the other parent. Children will adjust to a new parenting situation in time, and can be successfully raised by separated parents who have found a way to work together for their children’s benefit. If the court becomes involved in your custody dispute your judge will do his or her best to resolve the situation in the best interest of your children, but no judge loves your children or truly knows what is good for them. There simply is no good substitute for two parents working together in the best interest of their children. Your family lawyer can suggest approaches that might help to minimize the prospect of fighting over the custody of your children.

Take care of yourself.
You cannot be strong for anyone else without first being strong for yourself. Recognize that nobody goes through a situation like this unchanged… even if the changes can ultimately be for the better. The more aware you can become of how your separation from your spouse is affecting you, the more likely that you can manage those changes as constructively as your difficult situation permits. Make sure that during this painful moment in your life, when your spouse can seem further removed from you than a stranger and when you find yourself saying and doing things that you never imagined could come from you, you become your own best friend. Advise yourself like you would advise a friend, and follow that advice.

You will get through this.

If you need legal assistance with your divorce or family law matter in Southwestern Pennsylvania, call our office to set up a personal consultation with a divorce lawyer in Pittsburgh and to learn more about divorce in PA. Please do not comment anonymously, and do not post anything that you consider confidential. We try to be responsive to commentary and questions, but know that posting here will not create an attorney/client relationship and that we will not offer legal advice via the Internet.

But enough about me… let's talk about YOU

September 5, 2013 · by Pittsburgh Family Law Services, P.C.

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“Experience is what you get after you needed it.” — Jay Greenstein

If you could go back to a time when your problems were just beginning, what would you tell yourself?

Hardcore sports participants will tell you, “Blood dries, bruises heal, and bones knit.” We humans are pretty tough critters when the going gets hard, and we didn’t get that way by growing up in an easy chair. We all end up on the anvil now and then by choice or by circumstance; and like steel, the best of us manage to sing when the hammer comes down. The scars on our bodies tell stories that we and others can learn from, and the scars on the inside are no different.

As a divorce and family law attorney in Pennsylvania, I try to give my clients the benefit of other people’s experience as well as my own. When I found myself — much to my dismay and surprise — going through my own separation after an eleven-year marriage, I decided that I might as well get some professional use out of it. I wrote this article to share the lessons I learned from my own experience, in hope that it would help others. Now, it’s your turn. Marriage can be hard, divorce can be harder, and parenting children in separate homes can take all you have to give while demanding even more. You’ve been knocked down and stood up again. You made mistakes and learned from them. You made choices you regret. You tried things that worked. You worked with lawyers who were fair, foul or a little of both. Why not share?

In this forum dealing with divorce, separation, care and custody of children, property distribution and alimony, use the “leave a reply” section below to tell us a story that teaches us. Offer us advice that guides us. Explain how you endured what you had to face. Warn us about the trap you wish you had avoided. Show us the fight you won or lost, or the peace you managed to make. If you could go back to a time when your problems were just beginning, what would you tell yourself?

Some rules.
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3. Rants, submissions containing foul language, and poorly-edited submissions will not be posted. The English language is ancient and elegant. Please be nice to it.
4. Please remember as you write that you are offering experience, advice and guidance to others.
5. No compensation is available for accepted submissions.
6. There is no Rule 6.
7. Please do not submit anybody’s writing but your own. Unless I have reason to believe otherwise, I will assume that what you submit is your own writing.

If you need legal assistance with your divorce or family law matter in Southwestern Pennsylvania, call my office to set up a personal consultation with an Allegheny County family law attorney. Please do not comment anonymously, and do not post anything that you consider confidential. I try to be responsive to commentary and questions, but know that posting here will not create an attorney/client relationship and that I will not offer legal advice via the Internet.

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